The Double Edged Sword

This is my first time leaving the twins for a whole week.

I left my daughter at this same time last year for a work conference so she has experienced this before. I also found out two days after that trip that I was pregnant with the boys. ” Look Mommy, two babies!”

Shit.

I’ll never forget that visit. I cried there, the whole way home, at work, and the next 9 months. It’s funny the best and worst news I’ve ever received turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I love when people tell me I have a lot on my plate like it’s something I wasn’t aware of. That’s what I heard while making my plans for my departure.

“Well can your husband handle all that by himself?” Yes he will be fine, he has no choice but to figure it out. “Aren’t you going to miss them?” Is that a trick question? “Can’t you just cancel this work trip and explain you have kids?” I never knew that children stopped you from absolutely everything.

I have always been able to handle myself in a difficult situation. It goes like this- panic, anxiety, pity me, then buckle down and do it. I will always pull through and so will my family. I am a little nervous to leave only because I am a complete control freak (big shocker) and very rarely do I let things out of my grasp to fly by the seat of my pants. Only this time, I have no choice. I’m taking advice from my toddler and Elsa and I’m going to, ” Let it go”.

It’s funny to me how people and things that were never in your life before take such precedence. I loved not having kids because I did whatever the hell I wanted when I wanted. If I decided to sit my ass in front of the TV and eat chips without a well balanced meal being prepared I did just that. Or when I wanted to leave and hit the mall I could do it effortlessly. Now, I continually have to answer to a threenager, and two little people who drool and chew on their fingers all day long, but I don’t know what I would do without them. How did I live?

I will be honest. I am looking forward to Phoenix. I will be childless and shower in peace. I can go to bed and not have to put other people to bed first. I will also be able to go to the bathroom without seeing little fingers under the door or hear someone screaming. I can eat the food on my plate and not have to share… ALL MINE!

But it’s weird because I see a lot of the letter “I” in the sentence above. Without the twins and Elena, and my husband there is no me. They all make me and break me. “I” looks so lonely. People always want what they don’t have and then miss what they left behind. Human nature I suppose.

I ended up writing this on a whim only because all of those thoughts have been flying through my brain as I start packing my bags, and folding their laundry. It will all be fine. This is a good break for all of us, I know I’m not the easiest person to live with.

Zach don’t wash the laundry and throw it on the floor. Can you please pick up your wrappers so nobody eats it?

Just signing off and leaving a question for all parents to ponder. How often do you miss your children? Is it tied with how often you wish you could have time to yourself?

I’ll let you know in a couple of weeks.

 

Babies Crying = Dinosaurs Roaring

There have been plenty of times that all 3 of my kids have cried. Someone is uncomfortable. Somebody else is hungry or just plain pissed. But what happens when its all at once?

Well that’s a typical day in my not so quiet house. Just yesterday I literally started picking at my hands because I was doing anything to distract myself from the constant sounds of whaling. After I do everything to calm them down and nothing works that’s when I have to walk away. Elena started whining because the boys were, and they were getting more attention. So not only do I have twins squawking I have a toddler grabbing her knee and doing the same. She didn’t even fall! Nothing was happening besides a fight for dominance. You think you can cry? I can cry harder.

It reminded me of Jurassic Park. The raptors vs the t-rex and I am Chris Pratt in the middle. After trying to rally the troops I gave up. Yes, I threw the towel in and I went on about my life as I would when there is no crying. I even started doing air squats in my kitchen to relax. Can anyone cry for time? (CrossFit reference here).

So after the dinosaurs realized that they were all on an equal playing field I got them to  eat and they began to sink back into their normal routines. I can’t stand repetitive noises and a lot of background sound. When all of this happens I feel like I’m in the middle of a giant circus. FEED THE LIONS AND THEY WILL GO AWAY!

I’m starting to develop selective hearing. My husband is a mumbler so it’s hard for me to hear him anyways. I have  him repeat the same thing he has said numerous times. I attribute that to having to tune out the boys. When you are outnumbered there are just some things you have to let go.

Don’t judge me. Everyone does it. Whether it be the monotone teacher, or the one annoying person that no matter what you’re doing will talk your ear off, ( and then follow you around as you try to escape). Hmm… It’s part of being human.

Not everyday is a good one but that doesn’t mean it’s horrible either. Silence can be golden though when you can get it. 🙂

 

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Life Changes…

Do you ever just laugh in the midst of rough times? I mean, we all handle things differently but lately all I can do is laugh or have a complete meltdown. Both are equally crazy.

Anyways.

Finding time for myself has been a struggle but I make it work. I have had a few people come up to me and ask if I am going to get back to writing and my answer was always, “Well I’m just so busy.” It wasn’t until the past few weeks that I caught myself in moments and thought they were blog worthy. I mean who wouldn’t want to read about Aiden playing in his shit, or Owen giving himself arm hickies. Even Elena, asking about why her Barbie has a “pee bug under her shirt”. I will make time, and hopefully be able to continue this. If I’m able to crawl out of bed half dead and show up to the CrossFit box at 7am to do a workout that makes me pee then I can handle a few posts a month.

I think its time to practice what I preach and get my ass in gear. Embracing where I am  in life is crucial to surviving it. I am here and willing to take it head on. So, since it has been a long time I will give you an update.

The twins are 5 months old, Elena is going to be 3 in October. I know, I cant even. The fact that my uterus can withstand double unders after all of the kids is phenomenal. I feel like some days it might fall out onto the floor and the next day it’s made of steel. The body is capable of much more then we give it credit for that’s for sure.

I love my little monsters but I still need to escape. Whether it be at the CrossFit gym (aka box) that I have been in and out of for 2 years, or my front porch swing. Which by the way broke while I was on it a few weeks ago. Yes, I had wine but not enough to be completely relaxed in my fall. Again, I’m getting off track but really my life is extremely interesting (sarcasm here) and at times comical.

This weekend I turned the dirty thirty. I celebrated by getting two more tattoos and seeing Keith Urban in concert. I also won $100 on tips while playing them at Ziggys a with my Paw Paw and husband. Feeling lucky! There was also a van that pulled up next to Zach and I, on the way into the concert full of old ladies smoking cigarettes. These lively women handed us a parking pass for free. I really had quite the weekend.

Things are looking up as we cruise out of the newborn stage. I’m starting to get back to myself, and feeling strong. That’s why I decided to throw everything out in the open on this blog. I’m accepting of the fact that I pee while working out, sometimes my left knee aches, I have one glass of wine a night, and I lock myself in the bathroom to escape my kids. It’s all good right?!

I’m walking into everything with a fresh outlook and today is a good day.

 

CrossFit Helped Me Find Myself 

Hey! It’s been awhile…

Well, long story short I had a baby and it completely turned my world upside down. All of the changes (no matter how ready you think you are) got the best of me. I forgot who I was for awhile. 
I love my daughter. She’s my reason for living. But she was ALL I was living for. I found that when you have a child it’s obviously good to be involved in their lives but don’t lose sight of who you are in the process. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find my balance again. 

Then something changed. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I decided to make a commitment to CrossFit.

I’ve never been much of a conformist but I have always been someone who enjoys a challange. That, and pure curiosity is why I stepped foot into the box. I quickly realized that I wasn’t conforming to the “in” thing but I was pushing myself mentally and physically. I was going past the point of breaking, and there I found who I was looking for all along. 

 I was making myself a better person in every way. A wonderful Mom, wife, and friend.  It was at a time when I needed it most.

Not only did I get out of the house, I had acquired a new sense of self I’ve been so desperately missing. Someone who is confident and capable. It was the first time I didn’t walk into a room with my head down. I finally cut my long hair after so many years because I was beautiful and I didn’t need it anymore. I was who I always aspired to be. 

I’m no professional, but I give it my all and I feel incredibly fulfilled. It gives me the same joy writing my book did. 

I overcame an eating disorder many years ago and CrossFit was the last step in me finally accepting myself. I haven’t felt the need to dive back into bad ways but I couldn’t figure out why that part of my life still felt open. Well now it’s closed.

To say that it’s just working out is an understatement, to me it’s more. It’s a part of who I am and the example I want to set for my daughter. It’s also the positivity I need at the end of a long day. 

Strong is beautiful, and self acceptance is absolutely radiant. 

To The Flustered First Time Mom

shopping cart

I see you there. With your messy bun placed on the top of your head. It’s form holding up as it shines like a beacon in the baking section. There are small little wisps of hair falling out at the bottom. I can see you pull at them anxiously as they dance across your neck. Don’t worry though, your hair looks fine, imperfectly perfect.

Your outfit is interesting. I like it. It’s very “fall”. The black and red oversize flannel you are wearing really compliments the leggings you have underneath. Of course, you have moccasins on as well. Clearly the typical white girl rule is to wear Uggs but we all don’t have to abide to such rules all of the time. I would’ve went with the moccasins too.

All you’re missing is a Starbucks cup with your name and “PSL” scrawled on the side of its pristine white paper fiber. I am expecting to see one as I slowly approach you from behind with my shopping cart but as you turn to the side you have something else in your hand, a small multi-colored fish rattle of some sort. Then, as you reach to the shelf for that box of delicious chocolate cake I see a baby.

In that exact moment, I see myself.

Flashing forward 6 months from now, I will be that same lady. The young first time mother who is pulling at her hair wondering if she looks exhausted. At the same moment contemplating if it looks like I’m trying too hard to look my age, then also worrying that at times I don’t.

I”ll be playing with my baby while shopping and doing my best to keep her occupied while I scramble for groceries and hurriedly debate if I really need that same chocolate cake. (To the future me, yes you always NEED the cake. Don’t forget the bottle of wine either.)

I wanted so badly to talk to you mystery woman. I wanted to tell you that you look awesome, that your baby is really cute, and that I too will be right there with you soon enough. But you already know that.

As I go around your cart smiling at your little one who stares back at me with bright blue eyes, you turn your head and great me with a warm and tired smile. A smile I am aware that in time, I will know all too well.

I find comfort in your silent acknowledgement and look forward to my own future with question, excitement, and bewilderment. To think that I too will have a baby in my cart one day is crazy stuff. I only hope to be like you. The baby is a little fussy and you are slightly flustered but it’s normal. I like that you are still trying to be yourself…down to the matching bracelet and necklace. Don’t ever lose that. I also enjoy that you’re putting your child’s need for attention first because some people just don’t.

I hope to be a wonderful mother and solid example for my daughter. I also will still be myself no matter how much work it entails. I may be spending my money on baby clothes and the best car seat around instead of the latest IPhone and I”m 100% okay with that. I was willing the day I found out about her to put her first no questions asked.

However, a little splurge every now and then never hurt and making sure I look as good as you do to go out in public doesn’t make me vain. Just myself. You go girl, and you keep on keeping on.

I am looking forward to this new life. I will have my little girl on one arm and my latte in my hand.

Dear Baby E 

I’m ready for you. 

I always have been. 

As I sit and watch people I know having their babies it makes me very anxious and excited while waiting for your arrival into the world. I am 35 weeks pregnant with you as I write this and let me tell you, it’s been a wonderful experience. 

I remember the day your Dad and I found out about you. I had taken a pregnancy test first thing in the morning before we both left for work. I did the business, then walked out of the bathroom and into our bedroom to pace back and forth awaiting the results. Your Dad, waited patiently downstairs. As you will see he has an ability to be more patient then I do… I hope you acquire some of that. 

When I picked up the test and saw 2 lines I praised God and thanked Him for you immediately. We were both very excited! Though we remained cautious, after losing your brother or sister before you, we anxiously continued on this journey into the unknown and parenthood. 

Yes you had a sibling but I think you know that. 

There is a part of our first baby that is within you. You will forever be linked. Now I can look at that experience and know that I went through all of the hurt and found a light at the end of the long tunnel. It was you. 

When I think of you I feel many emotions at once. I have so many thoughts… I try to manipulate my mind to picture your face, personality, your childhood, and anything else possible. Obviously I can’t but there are a few things I do know.

You are loved. 

More than you can imagine. You are the best of both your Dad and myself. Our greatest accomplishment in this life. 

You will be my everything. 

You will also be your fathers. You are the reason we live now. Thinking of this makes me cry but it’s only because I feel so strongly.

You will never be alone.

We will be by your side every step of the way. No matter what you can come to us and we will guide you through anything and everything you will face in this life. That is a promise that will be kept until we are no longer on this earth. 

You are special, you matter, and you can do anything.

Keep this in mind. Your voice is your power. Your knowledge is also that, apply it to many areas of your life and watch in amazement the changes that take place. Your Dad is smart in many ways and is such a hard worker. His ability to wear many hats has gotten us through many times and he has always taken care of me.  I have an ability to write and over time gained knowledge and much life experience. My ability to talk with people and share pieces of my heart to help others is something that has never failed me and is a big part of who I am. You will inherit these parts of both of us. They are what make you stand out, use them.
Lastly, you should know that I’m sorry for rushing you along these past couple of weeks. I just can’t wait anymore. We are both ecstatic to meet you, love you, and care for you. Please only come when you’re ready, and know that we will be waiting. 

We are ready for you. 

A Little Wisdom.. :) 

“Life doesn’t always go our way. I do feel however, that we can shape our outcomes by who we choose to surround ourselves with. ”
“People will make you or break you, it’s up to you to be the one to know when to walk away. Your self worth is way more important than their bruised ego.”