CrossFit Helped Me Find Myself 

Hey! It’s been awhile…

Well, long story short I had a baby and it completely turned my world upside down. All of the changes (no matter how ready you think you are) got the best of me. I forgot who I was for awhile. 
I love my daughter. She’s my reason for living. But she was ALL I was living for. I found that when you have a child it’s obviously good to be involved in their lives but don’t lose sight of who you are in the process. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find my balance again. 

Then something changed. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I decided to make a commitment to CrossFit.

I’ve never been much of a conformist but I have always been someone who enjoys a challange. That, and pure curiosity is why I stepped foot into the box. I quickly realized that I wasn’t conforming to the “in” thing but I was pushing myself mentally and physically. I was going past the point of breaking, and there I found who I was looking for all along. 

 I was making myself a better person in every way. A wonderful Mom, wife, and friend.  It was at a time when I needed it most.

Not only did I get out of the house, I had acquired a new sense of self I’ve been so desperately missing. Someone who is confident and capable. It was the first time I didn’t walk into a room with my head down. I finally cut my long hair after so many years because I was beautiful and I didn’t need it anymore. I was who I always aspired to be. 

I’m no professional, but I give it my all and I feel incredibly fulfilled. It gives me the same joy writing my book did. 

I overcame an eating disorder many years ago and CrossFit was the last step in me finally accepting myself. I haven’t felt the need to dive back into bad ways but I couldn’t figure out why that part of my life still felt open. Well now it’s closed.

To say that it’s just working out is an understatement, to me it’s more. It’s a part of who I am and the example I want to set for my daughter. It’s also the positivity I need at the end of a long day. 

Strong is beautiful, and self acceptance is absolutely radiant. 


To The Flustered First Time Mom

shopping cart

I see you there. With your messy bun placed on the top of your head. It’s form holding up as it shines like a beacon in the baking section. There are small little wisps of hair falling out at the bottom. I can see you pull at them anxiously as they dance across your neck. Don’t worry though, your hair looks fine, imperfectly perfect.

Your outfit is interesting. I like it. It’s very “fall”. The black and red oversize flannel you are wearing really compliments the leggings you have underneath. Of course, you have moccasins on as well. Clearly the typical white girl rule is to wear Uggs but we all don’t have to abide to such rules all of the time. I would’ve went with the moccasins too.

All you’re missing is a Starbucks cup with your name and “PSL” scrawled on the side of its pristine white paper fiber. I am expecting to see one as I slowly approach you from behind with my shopping cart but as you turn to the side you have something else in your hand, a small multi-colored fish rattle of some sort. Then, as you reach to the shelf for that box of delicious chocolate cake I see a baby.

In that exact moment, I see myself.

Flashing forward 6 months from now, I will be that same lady. The young first time mother who is pulling at her hair wondering if she looks exhausted. At the same moment contemplating if it looks like I’m trying too hard to look my age, then also worrying that at times I don’t.

I”ll be playing with my baby while shopping and doing my best to keep her occupied while I scramble for groceries and hurriedly debate if I really need that same chocolate cake. (To the future me, yes you always NEED the cake. Don’t forget the bottle of wine either.)

I wanted so badly to talk to you mystery woman. I wanted to tell you that you look awesome, that your baby is really cute, and that I too will be right there with you soon enough. But you already know that.

As I go around your cart smiling at your little one who stares back at me with bright blue eyes, you turn your head and great me with a warm and tired smile. A smile I am aware that in time, I will know all too well.

I find comfort in your silent acknowledgement and look forward to my own future with question, excitement, and bewilderment. To think that I too will have a baby in my cart one day is crazy stuff. I only hope to be like you. The baby is a little fussy and you are slightly flustered but it’s normal. I like that you are still trying to be yourself…down to the matching bracelet and necklace. Don’t ever lose that. I also enjoy that you’re putting your child’s need for attention first because some people just don’t.

I hope to be a wonderful mother and solid example for my daughter. I also will still be myself no matter how much work it entails. I may be spending my money on baby clothes and the best car seat around instead of the latest IPhone and I”m 100% okay with that. I was willing the day I found out about her to put her first no questions asked.

However, a little splurge every now and then never hurt and making sure I look as good as you do to go out in public doesn’t make me vain. Just myself. You go girl, and you keep on keeping on.

I am looking forward to this new life. I will have my little girl on one arm and my latte in my hand.

Dear Baby E 

I’m ready for you. 

I always have been. 

As I sit and watch people I know having their babies it makes me very anxious and excited while waiting for your arrival into the world. I am 35 weeks pregnant with you as I write this and let me tell you, it’s been a wonderful experience. 

I remember the day your Dad and I found out about you. I had taken a pregnancy test first thing in the morning before we both left for work. I did the business, then walked out of the bathroom and into our bedroom to pace back and forth awaiting the results. Your Dad, waited patiently downstairs. As you will see he has an ability to be more patient then I do… I hope you acquire some of that. 

When I picked up the test and saw 2 lines I praised God and thanked Him for you immediately. We were both very excited! Though we remained cautious, after losing your brother or sister before you, we anxiously continued on this journey into the unknown and parenthood. 

Yes you had a sibling but I think you know that. 

There is a part of our first baby that is within you. You will forever be linked. Now I can look at that experience and know that I went through all of the hurt and found a light at the end of the long tunnel. It was you. 

When I think of you I feel many emotions at once. I have so many thoughts… I try to manipulate my mind to picture your face, personality, your childhood, and anything else possible. Obviously I can’t but there are a few things I do know.

You are loved. 

More than you can imagine. You are the best of both your Dad and myself. Our greatest accomplishment in this life. 

You will be my everything. 

You will also be your fathers. You are the reason we live now. Thinking of this makes me cry but it’s only because I feel so strongly.

You will never be alone.

We will be by your side every step of the way. No matter what you can come to us and we will guide you through anything and everything you will face in this life. That is a promise that will be kept until we are no longer on this earth. 

You are special, you matter, and you can do anything.

Keep this in mind. Your voice is your power. Your knowledge is also that, apply it to many areas of your life and watch in amazement the changes that take place. Your Dad is smart in many ways and is such a hard worker. His ability to wear many hats has gotten us through many times and he has always taken care of me.  I have an ability to write and over time gained knowledge and much life experience. My ability to talk with people and share pieces of my heart to help others is something that has never failed me and is a big part of who I am. You will inherit these parts of both of us. They are what make you stand out, use them.
Lastly, you should know that I’m sorry for rushing you along these past couple of weeks. I just can’t wait anymore. We are both ecstatic to meet you, love you, and care for you. Please only come when you’re ready, and know that we will be waiting. 

We are ready for you. 

A Little Wisdom.. :) 

“Life doesn’t always go our way. I do feel however, that we can shape our outcomes by who we choose to surround ourselves with. ”
“People will make you or break you, it’s up to you to be the one to know when to walk away. Your self worth is way more important than their bruised ego.”

My Angel 

I write to remember loved ones on days like these.
When my eyes are full of yesterday’s sorrows and I cannot see.

I never got to know you, hold you, or see you smile.

Though our time together was limited it was all worth while.

I would do it all again because that meant you were really here.

Sometimes I feel I dreamed it but then the heartache draws near.

I’ll never forget you, I’ll always love you, you will never be replaced. 

I’ll keep you safe in my heart until the moment we can finally embrace. 

I’m Pregnant and I’m Crying 

That’s right.

I blame it all on the hormones. These past couple of months have been a whirlwind of emotion. I swear the moment of conception there was a switch that turned my eyes into tear factories.

Not that I mind though… 🙂

I’m happy to be sad, I’m happy to be mad, and I’m happy to be happy. There is a human growing in my belly after all!

However, I do wish sometimes I was able to turn it off… I have figured out a few of my pregnancy triggers and have managed to work around them.

1. Animals- The good, the bad, and the ugly.

2. Small children- they just make me emotional. I start thinking of what my child will be like and also how fast she will grow.. And that she will leave me someday…

3. Diary Queen- Ice cream makes me a bipolar basket case. If it’s good then I smile the whole time and talk to my husband about how wonderful it is. But when it’s bad… Let’s just say after getting my hot fudge sundae wrong twice the girl at the counter had a less than favorable experience with The Beast.

4. Certain People- This one is the most awkward. I cry because I love them so much and I really am happy they are in my life. It just happens and most of the time I get a hug out of it, sometimes I get a WTF look and they walk away. Really that’s okay too.

So here is my little list. I’m not sure what every other pregnant woman’s is but I know for damn sure there is one.

We are all crazy after all 🙂

Changes Are on the Horizon ….

I realized today that I haven’t been on top of my writing game. I usually hit it pretty hard and make a special time for just myself and my laptop.

The past couple of months have been so exhausting… No, I haven’t started a new workout plan nor have I taken on any other commitments, well besides growing a human.  Holy sh*t it’s tiring.

I’m so excited to be tired though. Only last year I was facing a few fertility hurtles and contemplating my future. I know that all of my attempts (and my husbands)  were part of this beautiful miracle. 🙂

As Drake would say,” We started from the bottom now we here.”

Let me tell you, we are definitely here. 🙂

My writing goals as of now are simple. I would like to continue to blog ( and make it more timely) while working on a new book.

If baby happens to change my plans so be it. If I only ever have one book I’m okay with that. Why?

The reasoning behind that is incredibly lucid. Sometimes life has other plans for us. I don’t want to completely give up my passions and I don’t feel that I will have too, but I’m willing to sideline them for awhile.

Family is important to me. If that means taking a break, I’m perfectly fine with that. I don’t want to miss a moment.

So I will continue to write down my ideas on the go, with a bowl of cookies and cream ice cream in my other hand, deeply contemplating my exciting new future.