Tears

My tears fall like rain , as I turn to face the window.
Can’t let the hurt be seen. The damage is done.
Another piece of my heart hits the ground at rapid speed.
Scattering like glass across the remnants of past pain.
My voice silenced again, smothered by doubt.
How will I be able to live fully when the promise never lasts?

Dark Time

You’re digging faster and faster, deep inside your whole. If you get to far down, you’re going to lose your soul.

Everything I thought was a lie and you’re not who you were supposed to be. My word is crashing down, and it’s breaking my heart slowly.

I can’t keep up with all the things I know. It’s very hard to comprehend, and I’m trapped with nowhere to go.

“I’ll always tell you the truth, I’ll never let you down.” These words you say are all run down, burned beyond recognition, to many times to count.

You were everything I wanted to be, and who I wanted around. Now it seems you’re too close to me, even from way across town.

I wish I could rewind and fix it all, but there’s nothing I can do.

It’s sad, all you did was lie, and all I wanted was you.

You Have Every Right To A Beautiful Life

Certain people often remind me of hamsters who are running in a wheel. Continuously taking a path laid out before them by others. Which leads such people to follow in footsteps already planted, not because it’s what they want to do but because it’s what they think they have to. It has always seemed easier to comply and run with the crowd than against it. I wonder why is that?

Why would people rather settle for what seems to be their way of life than go above and beyond to greatness? This idea came to me while spending a casual day with my family. After we began discussing people, certain lifestyles that they keep, and how their offspring are accepting that same quality of life for themselves. I have and will always be an advocate for the underdog. I was the underdog at one point in my life, the one who wouldn’t conform to the dysfunction around them, the one who was different.

That made me an underdog because I was a minority, and the person pushing ever so strongly against the current while many were flowing with it. At times I did question myself and wonder why I fought so hard. But in the end it was all worth every tiresome effort. Which lead me to feel sad for a loved one I am particularly fond of. My heart bleeds for him as he spends most of his time around the people who don’t care and eventually losing touch with the ones who do.

I believe he can be brilliant, I also feel that he can apply himself in so many different ways in which he would be successful in life. But yet, he continues to run the wheel that was placed before him. He walks the same road that leads to heartbreak and loneliness. I realize now that I was a rare kind in the circumstance. I do not believe that this boy is weak, I know he can be strong willed. He is just lacking the guidance much needed during the crucial time journeying into manhood. While I was lucky enough to have a rock and guardian to shield me from the storm.

I am writing this now because I had to. My feelings for this little man are beyond words, and I want him to know more than anything I am always here. I am not claiming to be perfect, or saying that my lifestyle is one to be resentful of. But it is solid, it is grounded, and above all full of love and compassion. Though my heart aches for his choices I can only watch and hope that someday he will be the minority. That he too will eventually be the difference, and hopefully will contribute to breaking a long and vicious cycle.

Feeling A little crazy..

I am sitting in a room with classical music destroying my ears and I can’t manage to gather one thought. It makes me absolutely crazy.
Is it the music that’s bothering me or the fact that I am in a plain office all alone? You would think that would have the adverse affect.
Ironically enough I am in a psychiatrists office.. Not for me but for someone else. Maybe I should ask her these questions while I’m waiting.
I’m starting to believe it is the music that makes people seem “crazy” here , because I am surely on my way there.

Ready for Baby

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Lately it seems I can’t get on to my social media accounts without seeing children. My newsfeeds are overflowing with what Jimmy ate today, and how many times Susie smiled. This in some cases make many people angry, which results in an all out social uproar. I have seen firsthand the pictures that excited parents, who are sharing the most intimate moments with their children, are posting. I see them everyday, even by people whom I don’t personally know. But I am not the person who gets mad or even goes on an infamous unfriending spree. I am the one who “likes” such posts, and leaves encouraging comments from time to time. These pictures bring a smile to my face at many different times of the day. 

Sure we were all the annoyed on-looker to some extent at certain point in our lives. When all we were interested in seeing was a little Facebook drama, and a drunk picture every now and then, not all the babies. Which made me come to a conclusion about myself. I am ready for a baby… I know this because I am overjoyed to see all of the little faces everyday. I am more interested in what they are doing than the skanky girl I went to high school with. I have finally 100% made the turn into adulthood for many reasons.

I am 25…Yes it is true. Five years from 30 and three years married. Time sure flies when you’re having fun.

My friends all have babies… Besides the two I know for a fact aren’t pregnant. Unless they are hiding a baby bump under some baggy sweaters!? Most of my friends either have a child or are expecting. Taking it past my personal friends circle and stretching to some people I went to school with its a full on baby boom! Either everyone is drinking some special bottled water from Walmart, or there are many fertile myrtles. It is rather refreshing to see so many bundles of joy resulting from happiness and loving relationships. I love the fact that my friends have babies because I get to experience the intoxicating innocence, and wonder of children. It is well known that years from now when the terrible twos set in that they will be destroying your things and making messes. But let us relish in the newborn moment while we have it shall we? I don’t need to worry about said moments because I don’t have a baby yet…But I do wonder, where is mine?

Biological Clock…These words have been engraved into women’s heads since the dawn of time. I too (with being 25 hmm) have thrown these words around. But I have come to realize it’s not that annoying clock that society warns me about that’s ticking. As a matter of fact I don’t consider a clock in my equation at all.

For me it’s a different sense of time.

When the timing is right. But that is not for me, or some biological clock to decide. Those decisions lie in the hands of someone more powerful than I. I can take Prenatals until I’m blue in the face but even then He can hold out. With seeing everyone’s babies I was getting anxious for one of my own. Then anxiety grew into a minimal amount of sadness. That was when a very good friend of mine said exactly what I needed to hear. Just five words that changed every thought in my head, ” It’s not your time yet.” With that I knew that I can’t decide when that will be so why should I worry. I am not pregnant yet for a reason and when my time is right it will happen. I shouldn’t worry about everyone else’s “timing” because we all don’t run on the same clock.

Growing up…This had a lot to do with all my above statements. I am happy to see babies in my newsfeeds because I want one of my own. I am more interested in them now than years before because I am at that stage in life. I want the responsibility, love, and companionship of a child because that’s where I am at emotionally as well. That is the last piece of my puzzle to complete my already happy marriage and existence. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes whoever with a baby carriage. 🙂

So to all the young parents posting your pictures, please continue to do so. Do it for people like me whose time isn’t quite here yet. Also for the people that may get slightly annoyed, not because they need a baby, but because seeing such things bring us all a peace of mind. Whether we care to admit or not. It also fills us with hope, that these little people will someday grow to make the world a better place.

 

 

 

Open Arms

“I came to you with open arms, as you laid me against your chest.

 

You held me close, and touched my face as you promised me the best.

 

I was new and young and had the chance to become different from the rest.

 

From every dawn to night you tried to raise me right even against protest.

 

You were both my parents then more than now, and that was a special time.

 

I had you all to myself and I could always call you mine.”

 

Top 5 Reasons To Love American Horror Story

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American Horror Story is the ideal television series for people that have a wild imagination with a wicked twist. Season 3 – Coven is already wrapped and they are currently finishing Season 4 – Carnival. Just the title in itself leaves me undoubtedly excited, and curiously pondering how they will be scaring the hell out of me. The show at first wasn’t as well known as some of the others currently running but now it’s considered one of the best in the game. I find it incredibly addicting, and very suspenseful. At certain times sweet, but still having a bitter bite.

For those of you who have never seen it (which I just cannot believe!), I am going to give you five reasons to love it. For many of you who have seen it and watch it faithfully every time it airs, I am going to give you some more reasons why you couldn’t stop watching if you tried.

1. Awesome Characters

These are not just your run-of-the-mill creepy teacher, or suspicious neighbor. The characters written into this series are epic. Not only because they are in some ways relatable, but they take crazy and put a spin on it. From sultry “maid” vixens, a possessed Nun and witches, to a crazed murderer of women and a lady pregnant with the devils spawn, you will find it hard to keep your head from spinning. But in a good way because it keeps you guessing. The whole plan of continuously guessing is what brings me to my next reason…

2. New Storylines

I love the idea that every season is something different, while still maintaining some of the star characters from the previous episodes. I wasn’t a big fan of Coven which involved witches and magic. I found it rather typical and a little disappointing. I was however completely obsessed with the first and second seasons. Which revolved around a haunted murder house and an insane asylum. Yes, I did buy both of them on DVD and have watched them numerous times. Don’t judge me.

3. Pushes Boundaries

I will never forget my initial reaction to the first episode. I saw the advertisements and with myself being a fan of all things abnormal and creepy I thought that it would be just that. It was that and more… Within a mere half hour of the premiere there was a man having sex with his student, getting down with Susie Palmer (ya know what I mean), and a suicidal patient talking about not being able to get an errection.  All I was thinking was I can’t believe this is on t.v but I wanted to see more. Whether people admit it or not sex always seals the deal, in more ways than one. I applaud the idea of throwing it in the first episode and keeping the risqué moments consistent. It made me curious but that wasn’t what got me hooked.

4. Gruesome and Dark

This is why I became and addict. It would probably appear that I am some sicko to people who are not the scary/gory kind of types. I cannot get enough of the way the show dives into the dark spaces people are afraid to confront. It shows first hand everyday people and serial killers most creepy thoughts and actions. Though the show is entirely fiction a frightening reality is very much present. You may think you know someone, it could be your closest friend or even a parent. But do you really know them? That same person could be putting on a mask made from human flesh and going on a killing spree. Or they could be attending a late night ritual with human sacrifices. They could also just be someone who is completely crazy. This is what scary dreams are made of, taking people and making them into the worst kind of monsters. This show does that and then some.

5. Jessica Lange and Evan Peters

Jessica Lange has played an aged starlet neighbor with many skeletons in her closet, a recovering alcoholic Nun turned insane patient, and a power hungry backstabbing witch. She has brought so much life into those characters and made the show way more interesting. I love this woman and believe she is the face of the series. She has recently stated that she will be leaving after Carnival to pursue different passions in her life. I don’t blame her. If you’re going to leave, leave while you’re on top. It’s better to leave than to fade away. But I will miss her and find it hard to accept another main character in her place.

Now last but most definitely not least, Evan Peters. I wish I could say I know him, and almost feel like I do as much as I have watched (and re-watched) the show. Sadly I don’t.. He is another big part of this series. He has been a troubled apparition, a man wrongly accused of murder, and a boy stitched back together and brought back to life. All in which has captured my heart. In all of these characters there is raw feeling, and something deeply touching. I almost always find myself sympathizing and being on his team. Even if he killed some people and impregnated somebodies wife. It’s okay! Besides the obvious fact that he is easy on the eyes and the show heartthrob, he has talent. Which makes him even more desirable to female fans.

I hope you all enjoyed my reasons to love American Horror Story, and tune in when it airs again this October it should be spectacular!Saying that I am just excited is an understatement.  

Oh, and Evan if you ever see this I would love to meet you. I have a bunch of your pictures on my Pinterest and I follow you on Twitter. I am a big fan.

That doesn’t creep you out does it? That’s pretty normal.

It’s not like I have a doll with your face on it that I sleep with at night or anything….. or do I?