Let’s start with a moment of truth. I wasn’t going to do this and I sure as hell wasn’t going to let you get inside of my head. But as proven here things don’t always go as planned. Writing is my way of expressing myself and also a very creative outlet that I use to heal. There is a mental block inside of my head that I can’t move past until I get my feelings out or in this case typed. It is as if I am releasing them into the abyss to float away and leave my mind at peace. Seeing my thoughts as written words help me face them, then quickly leave them behind. So after having my mojo abruptly interrupted I am ready to move past it and get back to the newfound calm that I have been relishing in.
You know who you are, and I’m sure you’re laughing. I actually was too at first. I figured after a while that my feelings would dissipate and I would be able to look you in the eyes without any sign of past hurt, regret, and anger. (Boy was I wrong.) As far as I’m concerned the idiot that panned the phrase time heals all was ignorant, I don’t believe that at least in this case. Either I can hold a grudge like no other or I’m just not ready to forgive. After carefully thinking it over I’m undecided as to which one I side with.
I was disappointed in myself that I let you get to me, I was also a little ashamed. I would be lying if I didn’t confess to that. I felt myself being pulled down into an angry hole with a rapid force. I had the choice at the moment we ran into each other to walk away but to me that was running. If you know me like I think you do, you of all people know I don’t run from anything. So I choose to stand tall and suffer in silence. I muffled my feelings then shoved them back into that box they were stuffed in. It sounds noble and like the adult thing to do but let me tell you, it was difficult. I had plans on what I would say to you when the opportunity presented itself. I had gone over it in my head a few times over the years and the words were on the tip of my tongue.
I was going to tell you how much it hurt that you did what you had done. Also, how many days after that phone call that I cried and felt more alone than I had in a long time. How I felt betrayed because of the years of bonding while practically being “family” were thrown away in minutes. Also that you would let a certain someone say those horrible things… and treat people like they were disposable. You know that I could never let this person or anyone else for that matter talk about the person I love more on this earth like that and stand for it. So I feel that even though we didn’t say the words we more than agreed the parting was mutual.
But I didn’t say a word. I’m sure you’re wondering why? Well let me tell you, because it wasn’t the time or place first of all. Secondly, because I have learned that not giving in means being a bigger person. Being able to push my resentment to the side and stand comfortably in the face of possible confrontation makes me the winner. If I gave a nasty look or snarky comment it wouldn’t have accomplished a damn thing.
Yes, I did hurt back then. But I found comfort and the ability to move on in the people around me and within myself. I was blessed to find wonderful people to surround myself with that I wouldn’t change for the world. In these relationships we are on a level playing field. There is no upper hand, no power struggle, and most definitely no feelings of discomfort. I also found solace in the one person who means the most to me. Now that it’s all over and I have time to reflect this morning I am happy with how things went. I am also proud of myself. I have a motor mouth like no other and was rather pleased that I didn’t use it. Being resentful only hurts me, and I have too good of a life to be bitter.
I walk with my head high and without doubt and that is exactly how I want it to be, even if I have to do it alone.
So things are going well, and I am happy. I have awesome friends, an awesome marriage, and a peaceful life. I also have been working a lot on pursuing my writing career as I’m sure you’ve heard. Seeing you was a glimpse into my past that I wasn’t ready for but I’m thankful I did. It gave me the chance to prove to myself that I am stronger because of it. It also makes for some interesting writing…doesn’t it? 🙂 I’m sure the people who read this today will relate to it on many different platforms. Maybe it will help somebody move forward or let go of their inner battles. I know I did and I feel better. Yes by writing this it did bug me a little but not as much as I thought it would…so I decided to spin it into something for my own personal gain. This isn’t just a part of my personality but a writer’s trait as may fellow authors and poets can very well relate to.
I will see you again whether it be in a supermarket or maybe when our kids go to school. I am not sure of the future, but the one thing I am sure of is next time I will smile at you because I am happy and secure. The shock of face to face will have more than worn off by then and I will more comfortable. Maybe we can even have polite conversation.. I couldn’t be more thankful for my life and where my choices have led me. I only hope you will feel the same about yours.