Today really isn’t a great day.
I woke up with expectations. That is a problem with me.
I have a habit of setting expectations high for others but what is worse is when I set them too high for myself. What I think is easily attainable has been proving to me consistently that it isn’t. Then leading to my defeatist attitude and my “Who gives a shit.” slogan which is becoming a huge part of my every day. This is not a good thing.
I don’t enjoy censoring myself so I will just come clean with what it is I am describing. I’m trying to get pregnant again. This month is yet another one of those painful times reminding me that my efforts are going unrewarded. I tell myself there is always next month and that I won’t cry but the pep talks aren’t working. I cried and as of now am looking at my future months with a whole other mindset. Let me tell you it’s not a good one.
I realize I’m writing sporadically and sharing many intimate details of my mind’s inner workings. Sometimes doing so helps even if it means baring my soul to a complete stranger. I find comfort in those times and many other things people find uncomfortable. This is why I am choosing to post this on my blog. I’m not looking for a pat on the back or anything in particular. I just want to vent in a space that is my own.
I’m scared because I don’t know what life is planning on handing me. I also don’t know if there is something wrong. I hate feeling this way. My writing has been affected and my overall daily routines. I find myself obsessing over tiny details and every single pain my body feels. I had no idea that I would ever become this person but I am her and I don’t like it.
I guess what I’m saying is I’m throwing in the towel on trying to track everything. So far forcing natures hand hasn’t been working out very well for me. I figure if I put this out in the universe it will get the memo.
I’m going to look forward to the holidays, work, and writing. I’m also going to enjoy my glasses of wine. Putting my life on hold isn’t helping. It’s only stopping me from living. My goal is to have another book out within a year or so as of now I will focus on that in the future.
As for today, I will take a long run and work on picking up the pieces.