To The Flustered First Time Mom

shopping cart

I see you there. With your messy bun placed on the top of your head. It’s form holding up as it shines like a beacon in the baking section. There are small little wisps of hair falling out at the bottom. I can see you pull at them anxiously as they dance across your neck. Don’t worry though, your hair looks fine, imperfectly perfect.

Your outfit is interesting. I like it. It’s very “fall”. The black and red oversize flannel you are wearing really compliments the leggings you have underneath. Of course, you have moccasins on as well. Clearly the typical white girl rule is to wear Uggs but we all don’t have to abide to such rules all of the time. I would’ve went with the moccasins too.

All you’re missing is a Starbucks cup with your name and “PSL” scrawled on the side of its pristine white paper fiber. I am expecting to see one as I slowly approach you from behind with my shopping cart but as you turn to the side you have something else in your hand, a small multi-colored fish rattle of some sort. Then, as you reach to the shelf for that box of delicious chocolate cake I see a baby.

In that exact moment, I see myself.

Flashing forward 6 months from now, I will be that same lady. The young first time mother who is pulling at her hair wondering if she looks exhausted. At the same moment contemplating if it looks like I’m trying too hard to look my age, then also worrying that at times I don’t.

I”ll be playing with my baby while shopping and doing my best to keep her occupied while I scramble for groceries and hurriedly debate if I really need that same chocolate cake. (To the future me, yes you always NEED the cake. Don’t forget the bottle of wine either.)

I wanted so badly to talk to you mystery woman. I wanted to tell you that you look awesome, that your baby is really cute, and that I too will be right there with you soon enough. But you already know that.

As I go around your cart smiling at your little one who stares back at me with bright blue eyes, you turn your head and great me with a warm and tired smile. A smile I am aware that in time, I will know all too well.

I find comfort in your silent acknowledgement and look forward to my own future with question, excitement, and bewilderment. To think that I too will have a baby in my cart one day is crazy stuff. I only hope to be like you. The baby is a little fussy and you are slightly flustered but it’s normal. I like that you are still trying to be yourself…down to the matching bracelet and necklace. Don’t ever lose that. I also enjoy that you’re putting your child’s need for attention first because some people just don’t.

I hope to be a wonderful mother and solid example for my daughter. I also will still be myself no matter how much work it entails. I may be spending my money on baby clothes and the best car seat around instead of the latest IPhone and I”m 100% okay with that. I was willing the day I found out about her to put her first no questions asked.

However, a little splurge every now and then never hurt and making sure I look as good as you do to go out in public doesn’t make me vain. Just myself. You go girl, and you keep on keeping on.

I am looking forward to this new life. I will have my little girl on one arm and my latte in my hand.

Look Past Where You Are

There comes a time when we need to look past our current situation.

The placement of our feet is important, are they sunk in the ground or free and mobile?

Staying stuck in a state of mind gets you nowhere. I’m around many kinds of people mostly positive of course but there’s always a “Negative Nancy” in there. When I think outside of the box about what could be I get accused of having false hope.

Sure at times I do harbor such tendencies which can hurt if things don’t go my way but in reality it gives me something to look forward too and work towards. Why be so cynical when the world is full of possibility?

Also no matter how many times I’ve fallen in my life (which has been quite a few) why would I continue to stay on the ground when I am strong enough to stand?

There have always been two kinds of people in this world, the negative and positive. I’ve found that the positive ones are bigger thinkers. I appreciate all kinds of personalities because they provide a balance in life. But surrounding myself with positive people proves to be more beneficial.

The whole reason I’m writing this is for that exact reason. Maybe I could be someone’s positive reinforcement or at least give them a moment to think about the good things. If I can do it, I know others can. Especially when I’ve had every reason not too.

What If I Fall? Oh, My Darling, What If You Fly?

squirrel

While I’m sitting at my desk drinking my cup of Twining’s tea thinking about what my post will be for today, I happen to look out of my second story window to see a squirrel.

He seemed like just an ordinary critter.
I couldn’t help but watch him though because he was running up and down the same branches repeatedly. I had no idea what the hell the damn thing was doing so I was intrigued by its nonsense. As I’m staring out the window I realize that this thing has nowhere to go. It finally quit running back and forth and was daring to jump at this point. He placed himself right on the tip of the branch and sat contemplating his daring leap of faith.
I was worried for the squirrel because I didn’t think he was going to make such a long jump from the end of one flimsy tree branch to another tree. I was hoping that he wouldn’t fall and splatter the snow with his little acorn brains but it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen such things. Especially living in a wooded area with all sorts of animal shenanigans happening on a daily basis.

So anyways…

He went balls to the wall and jumped. Boy did that sucker fly. Despite my doubt he made it and scrambled up the branch going on about his day. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m telling you about a squirrel and why the hell I watched it for so long.
Believe it or not, I related to the animal. I myself have been struggling with some things in life. It’s not the kind of struggle that’s detrimental to my well being but it is one that is equally frustrating. I have always been the kind of person who overanalyzes, but lately I’ve been someone who speculates and doubts.

The past 7 months I have been doing exactly what that dumb critter was doing, running back and forth on the same path exhausting myself while feeling I had no other options. It wasn’t until a week ago that I went on a whim and set in motion a new journey for myself. I found a solution, another path, another branch.

I certainly had some doubts, just like the squirrel did. I stood staring reality dead in the face and instead of continuing to run from it and make my life harder than it needed to be by going down the same monotonous way I jumped. To my own surprise I landed gracefully on the other side.

Of course I didn’t run off into the sunset like my little friend. I’m slowly (but surely) making my way down this new path but I know in time I will get where I finally am meant to be.

Life is full of opportunities. There are many doors we open and close without even realizing it. Whether it be something as simple as having a conversation with someone we haven’t seen in forever, or helping a person in need. These small connections that go overlooked are vital to our lives. There may be a time that they come into play when we desperately need them too.

When we are faced with the reality of any situation that is when we have the ability to choose for ourselves. WE control our fate to a certain extent and then we have to let go of the rest. Take a leap of faith. We can either stay on the same comfortable path knowing that there is no promise of results or be brave and venture in another direction we have never taken.

I’m happy I made the choices I have to bring me where I am today. Now I need to be patient and let it play out. I know good things are coming. I made the decision to jump. Not only in my career but in my personal matters. I AM A JUMPER. Are you?

All We Need is Just a Little Patience

As I sit at my desk tonight trying to decide what to write about I can only think of one thing.

Patience.

It’s something I personally have been working on.
I am extremely impatient and want immediate results in everything I do. I want a six pack after a day of ab workouts and million dollars after one lottery ticket.
I just cannot except that things in life take time.
Are you this way? Have you taken steps to change that?

Well I have started to and it’s incredibly freeing. It is gratifying to my soul to know that I can’t control everything and that being patient will pay off in the end.

So I will continue to be this way in hopes that it makes my situations in life easier. I also am trying to do my best when it comes to over analyzing. That too will definitely ruin a good day.

Part of the reason I am the way I am is because it has been bred into my personality. Many members of my family have the same problem.
I’m sure you can all imagine what’s it’s like to be in that room!

But long story short, I’m slowly finding that the key to a peaceful life is patience. By demonstrating it little by little you will feel less overwhelmed.

It seems to be working for me so far. I haven’t even needed a glass of wine in days! 🙂

You and I

If it’s only you that I have in this life I’m satisfied.
If it’s only us at the end it’s been worth the ride.
To say you’re not enough is a lie.
If it’s only you and I.

You’ve proved yourself to me time and time again.
When I’m down in the dark you always grab my hand.
Life is a bitch and so much of that is true.
But I can say it’s been beautiful beside you.

So let’s see where this will go, hang on tight.
You and I can make it.
It’s all worth the fight.

Our love is strong, patient and kind.
If it’s just you and me in this life I know I’ll be just fine.

Letting Go

I’m here to let you know that I’m letting go.

It’s not that I don’t love you, I will love you until the end of my days .

It’s not that I resent you, you were my blessing in so many ways.

I need to move on and let the past go.

Resentment, loneliness, and depression is all I seem to know.

You’re safe now in the arms of The Lord so please wait for me.

I’ll be there someday and we can finally be a family.

I have to do this now, I have to for me.

I’ll miss you forever and love you for always, my baby you will always be.

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Angel in Yoga Pants

Today was starting out to be an annoying day. I woke up from a Nyquil slumber only to find my house in complete chaos.

My dog had went outside for his usual morning potty only to come back in with poop on his butt. My husband hadn’t noticed it and neither had I until I sat down on the couch to eat breakfast. An unpleasant odor filled my nostrils making my egg taste funny. I look down and there it is… hanging from his bottom.

Showering my dog at 6:30 in the morning was sucky. I figured that would be the worst of it.

Shortly after I found poop on my blanket and on my carpet. Great. The carpet was by far the worst because he had drug his butt across it. Long story short I had a shitty morning, literally.

It wasn’t until I got to the gym (that took a lot of convincing on my part) did I have one of the best encounters in my 26 years of life. It wasn’t just a typical run in with an old acquaintance but a miraculous one which instilled hope in my otherwise sorrowful heart.

A lady I used to workout beside on the elliptical was walking around the track when she spotted me and made her way over. We only know each other from the gym and practically racing against one another on a machine. Our relationship was based on waves in passing, small talk, and silently competing. I would use her as my motivation to work out harder. The woman is in her 50’s and ripped… like what more motivation do you need at the gym?

Anyways she asked me how I was doing with a somber tone already knowing the answer. She knew (back in June) I was pregnant because my workouts became a lot less intense. When I had found out she was already questioning it . The day I finally confessed why I hadn’t been “Getting Cray Cray” with my weight training she smiled and congratulated me.

So today when she saw my flat stomach she was clearly aware that there was no more baby.

She told me to come with her for only a minute and pulled me off of the machine. I followed her into the bathroom when she confessed to me that she also experienced loss. I thought that maybe it was her first attempt at pregnancy like mine was. She  told me that she had lost 4 babies and only managed to carry one of her children to full term. I was shocked and felt incredibly remorseful for her.

She then held my hand and began to say the kindest prayer for hope and healing that I had ever heard.
I immediately began to cry when she looked up and said,” You will have a baby. I know it, this hurts but it’s recoverable. Don’t let your grief spiral into depression. You will see your baby again someday.”

I walked out of the gym today with not only a sense of calm but so much happiness that my heart hurt. I was elated that there are still kind people in a selfish world.

I had only recently began getting myself back to positive thinking and making the necessary changes in my life and this moment was the last kick in the butt I needed. She is more than right and I believe she was put in my path for this reason. I am thankful to God for this day and many more hopeful ones to come.