The Double Edged Sword

This is my first time leaving the twins for a whole week.

I left my daughter at this same time last year for a work conference so she has experienced this before. I also found out two days after that trip that I was pregnant with the boys. ” Look Mommy, two babies!”

Shit.

I’ll never forget that visit. I cried there, the whole way home, at work, and the next 9 months. It’s funny the best and worst news I’ve ever received turned out to be a blessing in disguise. I love when people tell me I have a lot on my plate like it’s something I wasn’t aware of. That’s what I heard while making my plans for my departure.

“Well can your husband handle all that by himself?” Yes he will be fine, he has no choice but to figure it out. “Aren’t you going to miss them?” Is that a trick question? “Can’t you just cancel this work trip and explain you have kids?” I never knew that children stopped you from absolutely everything.

I have always been able to handle myself in a difficult situation. It goes like this- panic, anxiety, pity me, then buckle down and do it. I will always pull through and so will my family. I am a little nervous to leave only because I am a complete control freak (big shocker) and very rarely do I let things out of my grasp to fly by the seat of my pants. Only this time, I have no choice. I’m taking advice from my toddler and Elsa and I’m going to, ” Let it go”.

It’s funny to me how people and things that were never in your life before take such precedence. I loved not having kids because I did whatever the hell I wanted when I wanted. If I decided to sit my ass in front of the TV and eat chips without a well balanced meal being prepared I did just that. Or when I wanted to leave and hit the mall I could do it effortlessly. Now, I continually have to answer to a threenager, and two little people who drool and chew on their fingers all day long, but I don’t know what I would do without them. How did I live?

I will be honest. I am looking forward to Phoenix. I will be childless and shower in peace. I can go to bed and not have to put other people to bed first. I will also be able to go to the bathroom without seeing little fingers under the door or hear someone screaming. I can eat the food on my plate and not have to share… ALL MINE!

But it’s weird because I see a lot of the letter “I” in the sentence above. Without the twins and Elena, and my husband there is no me. They all make me and break me. “I” looks so lonely. People always want what they don’t have and then miss what they left behind. Human nature I suppose.

I ended up writing this on a whim only because all of those thoughts have been flying through my brain as I start packing my bags, and folding their laundry. It will all be fine. This is a good break for all of us, I know I’m not the easiest person to live with.

Zach don’t wash the laundry and throw it on the floor. Can you please pick up your wrappers so nobody eats it?

Just signing off and leaving a question for all parents to ponder. How often do you miss your children? Is it tied with how often you wish you could have time to yourself?

I’ll let you know in a couple of weeks.

 

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Babies Crying = Dinosaurs Roaring

There have been plenty of times that all 3 of my kids have cried. Someone is uncomfortable. Somebody else is hungry or just plain pissed. But what happens when its all at once?

Well that’s a typical day in my not so quiet house. Just yesterday I literally started picking at my hands because I was doing anything to distract myself from the constant sounds of whaling. After I do everything to calm them down and nothing works that’s when I have to walk away. Elena started whining because the boys were, and they were getting more attention. So not only do I have twins squawking I have a toddler grabbing her knee and doing the same. She didn’t even fall! Nothing was happening besides a fight for dominance. You think you can cry? I can cry harder.

It reminded me of Jurassic Park. The raptors vs the t-rex and I am Chris Pratt in the middle. After trying to rally the troops I gave up. Yes, I threw the towel in and I went on about my life as I would when there is no crying. I even started doing air squats in my kitchen to relax. Can anyone cry for time? (CrossFit reference here).

So after the dinosaurs realized that they were all on an equal playing field I got them to  eat and they began to sink back into their normal routines. I can’t stand repetitive noises and a lot of background sound. When all of this happens I feel like I’m in the middle of a giant circus. FEED THE LIONS AND THEY WILL GO AWAY!

I’m starting to develop selective hearing. My husband is a mumbler so it’s hard for me to hear him anyways. I have  him repeat the same thing he has said numerous times. I attribute that to having to tune out the boys. When you are outnumbered there are just some things you have to let go.

Don’t judge me. Everyone does it. Whether it be the monotone teacher, or the one annoying person that no matter what you’re doing will talk your ear off, ( and then follow you around as you try to escape). Hmm… It’s part of being human.

Not everyday is a good one but that doesn’t mean it’s horrible either. Silence can be golden though when you can get it. 🙂

 

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CrossFit Helped Me Find Myself 

Hey! It’s been awhile…

Well, long story short I had a baby and it completely turned my world upside down. All of the changes (no matter how ready you think you are) got the best of me. I forgot who I was for awhile. 
I love my daughter. She’s my reason for living. But she was ALL I was living for. I found that when you have a child it’s obviously good to be involved in their lives but don’t lose sight of who you are in the process. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find my balance again. 

Then something changed. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I decided to make a commitment to CrossFit.

I’ve never been much of a conformist but I have always been someone who enjoys a challange. That, and pure curiosity is why I stepped foot into the box. I quickly realized that I wasn’t conforming to the “in” thing but I was pushing myself mentally and physically. I was going past the point of breaking, and there I found who I was looking for all along. 

 I was making myself a better person in every way. A wonderful Mom, wife, and friend.  It was at a time when I needed it most.

Not only did I get out of the house, I had acquired a new sense of self I’ve been so desperately missing. Someone who is confident and capable. It was the first time I didn’t walk into a room with my head down. I finally cut my long hair after so many years because I was beautiful and I didn’t need it anymore. I was who I always aspired to be. 

I’m no professional, but I give it my all and I feel incredibly fulfilled. It gives me the same joy writing my book did. 

I overcame an eating disorder many years ago and CrossFit was the last step in me finally accepting myself. I haven’t felt the need to dive back into bad ways but I couldn’t figure out why that part of my life still felt open. Well now it’s closed.

To say that it’s just working out is an understatement, to me it’s more. It’s a part of who I am and the example I want to set for my daughter. It’s also the positivity I need at the end of a long day. 

Strong is beautiful, and self acceptance is absolutely radiant. 

Remember 

The summer air reminds me of you, the breeze brings you closer.

I can sense you in the new leaves, see you in the clouds, and feel you in the sun.

Though I’ve never met you, you were indeed close to my heart. 

You should know that you’re not forgotten and I love you still, with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my soul. 

How PCOS Changed My Life

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The day I went into my OBGYN office to confirm my test results was a stressful one. I had most of them already sent to me and everything was normal. I still couldn’t shake the feeling of dread when I walked in and sat down.

One last result slipped through the cracks and that one was the most important.

I sat on the crispy annoying white paper with my hands in my lap as my doctor explained to me that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The syndrome itself is an overcomplicated mess but fortunately for me, my diagnosis was not.

I have a mild version. I came to know that there are many stages of PCOS. Though I was classified as mild I was still holding the unbearable title of being infertile because of the diagnosis. Mind you, I was pregnant already once (naturally) that sadly ended in miscarriage so I couldn’t figure out why they kept shoving fertility medication down my throat. PCOS=Infertility. They classify a person as infertile because “Soul Cysters” as I like to call others with my hindrance, lack certain things that other women do not, such as the ability to ovulate regularly and have normal menstrual cycles.

I have PCOS but I do not have any cysts (as of now), I’m not over weight, or have problems with insulin. I am slender, extremely active and have been pregnant once….. I’m kind of a freak I guess.

Besides being a walking contradiction I have problems with anovulation, which means that I don’t ovulate regularly. That reason among long cycles and irregular testosterone levels make me a contender for PCOS. (Sorry for the TMI but it’s really a need to know in order for me to tell my story. J) Other than that “You’re in perfect health we just need to make some adjustments.” My OBGYN said.

So after starting fertility treatments which consist of shots, medication, and my hormones jumping through the roof things started changing. Not on paper but inside myself. PCOS began to take hold of my soul.

I became slightly depressed and extremely sensitive. I would have days where I would just sit and cry, days were I would struggle with anxiety, and moments that I wanted to see absolutely no one. I also became resentful and angry at people I barely knew. Obviously they had things that I wanted, they had children.

My normal happy demeanor was taken over by a dark and hostile version of myself. I refer to it as my dark side. (I would like you all to imagine Darth Vader’s deep menacing tone right here.) Yes, I was being lured to the dark side.

It wasn’t until after Christmas that things began to look up for me. I found a new doctor who many people I know have gone to for help. He is informative, practical and not afraid to tell me how it is. I appreciate those qualities in a person because they mirror my own. I also traded in my dark robe (again another Star Wars reference) for a lighter one. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and running away from what I had. I learned to accept the fact that I wasn’t “normal” and learned how to deal with it.

I met many other women who have what I have. Some have it way worse, some do not, but nevertheless their stories are all equally inspiring. I’ve also began to learn to appreciate my current blessings.

My life had quickly become long waiting periods. Increments of time that I would spend staring at a calendar and taking pills while awaiting results. It was after talking to these people and coming around to finding my faith that I stopped waiting and began living.

Life does not stop because we are having a bad day. People will not censor themselves every time we are offended. Time keeps moving forward even if we are stuck with our feet in the mud. Learning to deal with my circumstance is still challenging but I find that I have more good days then bad. I surrounded myself with supportive people that I like to think of as my own personal cheerleaders. I also changed my outlook and began to pray.

PCOS could’ve ruined me, my life, and my happiness. It actually started too and I was becoming a bitter, resentful shell of myself that began to push away friends and family.

Sorry. Close but no cigar.

It actually is changing me for the better. It’s teaching me acceptance, patience, and strength. These things I also pray for on a daily basis. I’m a work in progress but I can feel the changes within myself. I was so afraid that day that I left the doctor’s office but I’m not afraid anymore. I’m tired but I’m not beaten down just yet. I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel even if it takes me awhile to get there.

They say your darkest hour comes before your dawn and now I’m finally starting to see the sun.

OH YA My Book is a PAPERBACK!!!

my book

So I was pretty excited when this arrived. I ripped it out of the UPS man’s hands with extreme velocity. I was very emotional.

After asking him if he knew what it was (which was a rhetorical question) and watching his face distort with confusion I informed him that it was indeed my first book. That’s when he looked at me and said, “Well that’s good.”

He needed to know. I mean this is the first time I held any work I had done in my hands and was able to reflect on it. This moment will never happen again! At least not with it being the very first book I ever wrote.

Now putting aside the fact that I am overly picky and have a tendency to dissect every single thing I write (I’m already going through it again wanting to change it!) it is a good book. I’m proud of it and the storyline is definitely an attention grabber. I have a hard time letting a story go and officially being done with it so that alone takes work on my part! 🙂

I think it is wonderful. The characters are likable and the situations they find themselves dealing with are believable. I enjoyed writing it and I hope many will enjoy reading it.

There are two versions available on Amazon.com. One is the Kindle version the other the paperback! The paperback will be officially available by the end of this week. I hope many of you consider purchasing my book.

As of right now I have other projects in the works but no timeline. I can’t wait to see what I can come up with next!