CrossFit Helped Me Find Myself 

Hey! It’s been awhile…

Well, long story short I had a baby and it completely turned my world upside down. All of the changes (no matter how ready you think you are) got the best of me. I forgot who I was for awhile. 
I love my daughter. She’s my reason for living. But she was ALL I was living for. I found that when you have a child it’s obviously good to be involved in their lives but don’t lose sight of who you are in the process. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever find my balance again. 

Then something changed. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and try something new. I decided to make a commitment to CrossFit.

I’ve never been much of a conformist but I have always been someone who enjoys a challange. That, and pure curiosity is why I stepped foot into the box. I quickly realized that I wasn’t conforming to the “in” thing but I was pushing myself mentally and physically. I was going past the point of breaking, and there I found who I was looking for all along. 

 I was making myself a better person in every way. A wonderful Mom, wife, and friend.  It was at a time when I needed it most.

Not only did I get out of the house, I had acquired a new sense of self I’ve been so desperately missing. Someone who is confident and capable. It was the first time I didn’t walk into a room with my head down. I finally cut my long hair after so many years because I was beautiful and I didn’t need it anymore. I was who I always aspired to be. 

I’m no professional, but I give it my all and I feel incredibly fulfilled. It gives me the same joy writing my book did. 

I overcame an eating disorder many years ago and CrossFit was the last step in me finally accepting myself. I haven’t felt the need to dive back into bad ways but I couldn’t figure out why that part of my life still felt open. Well now it’s closed.

To say that it’s just working out is an understatement, to me it’s more. It’s a part of who I am and the example I want to set for my daughter. It’s also the positivity I need at the end of a long day. 

Strong is beautiful, and self acceptance is absolutely radiant. 

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Remember 

The summer air reminds me of you, the breeze brings you closer.

I can sense you in the new leaves, see you in the clouds, and feel you in the sun.

Though I’ve never met you, you were indeed close to my heart. 

You should know that you’re not forgotten and I love you still, with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my soul. 

How PCOS Changed My Life

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The day I went into my OBGYN office to confirm my test results was a stressful one. I had most of them already sent to me and everything was normal. I still couldn’t shake the feeling of dread when I walked in and sat down.

One last result slipped through the cracks and that one was the most important.

I sat on the crispy annoying white paper with my hands in my lap as my doctor explained to me that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The syndrome itself is an overcomplicated mess but fortunately for me, my diagnosis was not.

I have a mild version. I came to know that there are many stages of PCOS. Though I was classified as mild I was still holding the unbearable title of being infertile because of the diagnosis. Mind you, I was pregnant already once (naturally) that sadly ended in miscarriage so I couldn’t figure out why they kept shoving fertility medication down my throat. PCOS=Infertility. They classify a person as infertile because “Soul Cysters” as I like to call others with my hindrance, lack certain things that other women do not, such as the ability to ovulate regularly and have normal menstrual cycles.

I have PCOS but I do not have any cysts (as of now), I’m not over weight, or have problems with insulin. I am slender, extremely active and have been pregnant once….. I’m kind of a freak I guess.

Besides being a walking contradiction I have problems with anovulation, which means that I don’t ovulate regularly. That reason among long cycles and irregular testosterone levels make me a contender for PCOS. (Sorry for the TMI but it’s really a need to know in order for me to tell my story. J) Other than that “You’re in perfect health we just need to make some adjustments.” My OBGYN said.

So after starting fertility treatments which consist of shots, medication, and my hormones jumping through the roof things started changing. Not on paper but inside myself. PCOS began to take hold of my soul.

I became slightly depressed and extremely sensitive. I would have days where I would just sit and cry, days were I would struggle with anxiety, and moments that I wanted to see absolutely no one. I also became resentful and angry at people I barely knew. Obviously they had things that I wanted, they had children.

My normal happy demeanor was taken over by a dark and hostile version of myself. I refer to it as my dark side. (I would like you all to imagine Darth Vader’s deep menacing tone right here.) Yes, I was being lured to the dark side.

It wasn’t until after Christmas that things began to look up for me. I found a new doctor who many people I know have gone to for help. He is informative, practical and not afraid to tell me how it is. I appreciate those qualities in a person because they mirror my own. I also traded in my dark robe (again another Star Wars reference) for a lighter one. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and running away from what I had. I learned to accept the fact that I wasn’t “normal” and learned how to deal with it.

I met many other women who have what I have. Some have it way worse, some do not, but nevertheless their stories are all equally inspiring. I’ve also began to learn to appreciate my current blessings.

My life had quickly become long waiting periods. Increments of time that I would spend staring at a calendar and taking pills while awaiting results. It was after talking to these people and coming around to finding my faith that I stopped waiting and began living.

Life does not stop because we are having a bad day. People will not censor themselves every time we are offended. Time keeps moving forward even if we are stuck with our feet in the mud. Learning to deal with my circumstance is still challenging but I find that I have more good days then bad. I surrounded myself with supportive people that I like to think of as my own personal cheerleaders. I also changed my outlook and began to pray.

PCOS could’ve ruined me, my life, and my happiness. It actually started too and I was becoming a bitter, resentful shell of myself that began to push away friends and family.

Sorry. Close but no cigar.

It actually is changing me for the better. It’s teaching me acceptance, patience, and strength. These things I also pray for on a daily basis. I’m a work in progress but I can feel the changes within myself. I was so afraid that day that I left the doctor’s office but I’m not afraid anymore. I’m tired but I’m not beaten down just yet. I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel even if it takes me awhile to get there.

They say your darkest hour comes before your dawn and now I’m finally starting to see the sun.

OH YA My Book is a PAPERBACK!!!

my book

So I was pretty excited when this arrived. I ripped it out of the UPS man’s hands with extreme velocity. I was very emotional.

After asking him if he knew what it was (which was a rhetorical question) and watching his face distort with confusion I informed him that it was indeed my first book. That’s when he looked at me and said, “Well that’s good.”

He needed to know. I mean this is the first time I held any work I had done in my hands and was able to reflect on it. This moment will never happen again! At least not with it being the very first book I ever wrote.

Now putting aside the fact that I am overly picky and have a tendency to dissect every single thing I write (I’m already going through it again wanting to change it!) it is a good book. I’m proud of it and the storyline is definitely an attention grabber. I have a hard time letting a story go and officially being done with it so that alone takes work on my part! 🙂

I think it is wonderful. The characters are likable and the situations they find themselves dealing with are believable. I enjoyed writing it and I hope many will enjoy reading it.

There are two versions available on Amazon.com. One is the Kindle version the other the paperback! The paperback will be officially available by the end of this week. I hope many of you consider purchasing my book.

As of right now I have other projects in the works but no timeline. I can’t wait to see what I can come up with next!

Really? Men are not like the guy from “The Wedding Date”!

I found myself in a giddy love induced state with a pumpkin bar in one hand and Kleenex in another.
While staring at the screen waiting for the man of every ladies dreams to come out of the television and into my living room I had a startling realization. Men are not like Nick.

As every woman will admit, we all adore the typical chick flick with a grand romantic gesture that sweeps the leading lady off of her feet. I mean what’s not to like?

A handsome leading man, sentimental music, most of the time a love scene, and the guarantee that he will confess his undying love for her. It’s the perfect fairy tale, but that’s all it will be. A fairy tale.

Sadly these things don’t happen in real life and it makes a guys job harder than it has to be. Waiting on a man to live up to expectations actors in cinema deliver is unrealistic. You will always wind up disappointed.

There is such a thing as romance but it’s more low key in the real world. As someone who is happily married and been in my relationship for years let me tell you what a few of them are.

Romance to me is….
1. Coming home to dinner prepared by my husband. It could be anything. By movie standards it’s filet mignon or another expensive spread. I’d be happy with tacos.

2. Candle light. They don’t have to be the water proof ones floating in my tub. Just make sure they smell good and they can be lit anywhere in my house.

3. Netflix night, yes I said it, and you all do it. It’s like going to a movie but better, you can wear what you want too! Or nothing at all. But just spending time together is the key.

4. Writing little notes on my grocery list. I always enjoy finding a scribbled “I love you” or “you’re so sexy” next to my abbreviations for peanut butter and hot dogs. Occasionally there’s a picture too but we won’t go into detail about that here.

5. Snuggle time. This is pretty self explanatory, some days I appreciate it more than others.

6. A card or letter. Nowadays it’s more like a text message but that will do.
Anyway you want to tell me you’re thinking of me makes me a happy camper.

So that’s it. My little list of typical romantic gestures that aren’t as huge as Channing Tatum helping me to remember our life together, or Noah reading to me every day.
For the record I would never forget I married Channing and I would’ve just went with whatever life he wanted to have with me… Idiot. As far as Noah Calhoun goes, let’s just not.
Rachel McAdams needs to get it together.

I don’t know why I felt the need to write this, probably because people’s want for more, bigger, and better things in life can irritate me. It really should be simple. Like our men providing for us and our children, asking us about our day, and loving us for life, should be enough. Then finding time for the little kinds of romance.

Remember back in the day it was so easy. The men then must have done something right, take a look at your Grandparents. 🙂