Remember 

The summer air reminds me of you, the breeze brings you closer.

I can sense you in the new leaves, see you in the clouds, and feel you in the sun.

Though I’ve never met you, you were indeed close to my heart. 

You should know that you’re not forgotten and I love you still, with every fiber of my being, with every ounce of my soul. 

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How PCOS Changed My Life

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The day I went into my OBGYN office to confirm my test results was a stressful one. I had most of them already sent to me and everything was normal. I still couldn’t shake the feeling of dread when I walked in and sat down.

One last result slipped through the cracks and that one was the most important.

I sat on the crispy annoying white paper with my hands in my lap as my doctor explained to me that I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). The syndrome itself is an overcomplicated mess but fortunately for me, my diagnosis was not.

I have a mild version. I came to know that there are many stages of PCOS. Though I was classified as mild I was still holding the unbearable title of being infertile because of the diagnosis. Mind you, I was pregnant already once (naturally) that sadly ended in miscarriage so I couldn’t figure out why they kept shoving fertility medication down my throat. PCOS=Infertility. They classify a person as infertile because “Soul Cysters” as I like to call others with my hindrance, lack certain things that other women do not, such as the ability to ovulate regularly and have normal menstrual cycles.

I have PCOS but I do not have any cysts (as of now), I’m not over weight, or have problems with insulin. I am slender, extremely active and have been pregnant once….. I’m kind of a freak I guess.

Besides being a walking contradiction I have problems with anovulation, which means that I don’t ovulate regularly. That reason among long cycles and irregular testosterone levels make me a contender for PCOS. (Sorry for the TMI but it’s really a need to know in order for me to tell my story. J) Other than that “You’re in perfect health we just need to make some adjustments.” My OBGYN said.

So after starting fertility treatments which consist of shots, medication, and my hormones jumping through the roof things started changing. Not on paper but inside myself. PCOS began to take hold of my soul.

I became slightly depressed and extremely sensitive. I would have days where I would just sit and cry, days were I would struggle with anxiety, and moments that I wanted to see absolutely no one. I also became resentful and angry at people I barely knew. Obviously they had things that I wanted, they had children.

My normal happy demeanor was taken over by a dark and hostile version of myself. I refer to it as my dark side. (I would like you all to imagine Darth Vader’s deep menacing tone right here.) Yes, I was being lured to the dark side.

It wasn’t until after Christmas that things began to look up for me. I found a new doctor who many people I know have gone to for help. He is informative, practical and not afraid to tell me how it is. I appreciate those qualities in a person because they mirror my own. I also traded in my dark robe (again another Star Wars reference) for a lighter one. I stopped feeling sorry for myself and running away from what I had. I learned to accept the fact that I wasn’t “normal” and learned how to deal with it.

I met many other women who have what I have. Some have it way worse, some do not, but nevertheless their stories are all equally inspiring. I’ve also began to learn to appreciate my current blessings.

My life had quickly become long waiting periods. Increments of time that I would spend staring at a calendar and taking pills while awaiting results. It was after talking to these people and coming around to finding my faith that I stopped waiting and began living.

Life does not stop because we are having a bad day. People will not censor themselves every time we are offended. Time keeps moving forward even if we are stuck with our feet in the mud. Learning to deal with my circumstance is still challenging but I find that I have more good days then bad. I surrounded myself with supportive people that I like to think of as my own personal cheerleaders. I also changed my outlook and began to pray.

PCOS could’ve ruined me, my life, and my happiness. It actually started too and I was becoming a bitter, resentful shell of myself that began to push away friends and family.

Sorry. Close but no cigar.

It actually is changing me for the better. It’s teaching me acceptance, patience, and strength. These things I also pray for on a daily basis. I’m a work in progress but I can feel the changes within myself. I was so afraid that day that I left the doctor’s office but I’m not afraid anymore. I’m tired but I’m not beaten down just yet. I know there is a light at the end of my tunnel even if it takes me awhile to get there.

They say your darkest hour comes before your dawn and now I’m finally starting to see the sun.

Look Past Where You Are

There comes a time when we need to look past our current situation.

The placement of our feet is important, are they sunk in the ground or free and mobile?

Staying stuck in a state of mind gets you nowhere. I’m around many kinds of people mostly positive of course but there’s always a “Negative Nancy” in there. When I think outside of the box about what could be I get accused of having false hope.

Sure at times I do harbor such tendencies which can hurt if things don’t go my way but in reality it gives me something to look forward too and work towards. Why be so cynical when the world is full of possibility?

Also no matter how many times I’ve fallen in my life (which has been quite a few) why would I continue to stay on the ground when I am strong enough to stand?

There have always been two kinds of people in this world, the negative and positive. I’ve found that the positive ones are bigger thinkers. I appreciate all kinds of personalities because they provide a balance in life. But surrounding myself with positive people proves to be more beneficial.

The whole reason I’m writing this is for that exact reason. Maybe I could be someone’s positive reinforcement or at least give them a moment to think about the good things. If I can do it, I know others can. Especially when I’ve had every reason not too.

What If I Fall? Oh, My Darling, What If You Fly?

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While I’m sitting at my desk drinking my cup of Twining’s tea thinking about what my post will be for today, I happen to look out of my second story window to see a squirrel.

He seemed like just an ordinary critter.
I couldn’t help but watch him though because he was running up and down the same branches repeatedly. I had no idea what the hell the damn thing was doing so I was intrigued by its nonsense. As I’m staring out the window I realize that this thing has nowhere to go. It finally quit running back and forth and was daring to jump at this point. He placed himself right on the tip of the branch and sat contemplating his daring leap of faith.
I was worried for the squirrel because I didn’t think he was going to make such a long jump from the end of one flimsy tree branch to another tree. I was hoping that he wouldn’t fall and splatter the snow with his little acorn brains but it wouldn’t be the first time I’ve seen such things. Especially living in a wooded area with all sorts of animal shenanigans happening on a daily basis.

So anyways…

He went balls to the wall and jumped. Boy did that sucker fly. Despite my doubt he made it and scrambled up the branch going on about his day. I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m telling you about a squirrel and why the hell I watched it for so long.
Believe it or not, I related to the animal. I myself have been struggling with some things in life. It’s not the kind of struggle that’s detrimental to my well being but it is one that is equally frustrating. I have always been the kind of person who overanalyzes, but lately I’ve been someone who speculates and doubts.

The past 7 months I have been doing exactly what that dumb critter was doing, running back and forth on the same path exhausting myself while feeling I had no other options. It wasn’t until a week ago that I went on a whim and set in motion a new journey for myself. I found a solution, another path, another branch.

I certainly had some doubts, just like the squirrel did. I stood staring reality dead in the face and instead of continuing to run from it and make my life harder than it needed to be by going down the same monotonous way I jumped. To my own surprise I landed gracefully on the other side.

Of course I didn’t run off into the sunset like my little friend. I’m slowly (but surely) making my way down this new path but I know in time I will get where I finally am meant to be.

Life is full of opportunities. There are many doors we open and close without even realizing it. Whether it be something as simple as having a conversation with someone we haven’t seen in forever, or helping a person in need. These small connections that go overlooked are vital to our lives. There may be a time that they come into play when we desperately need them too.

When we are faced with the reality of any situation that is when we have the ability to choose for ourselves. WE control our fate to a certain extent and then we have to let go of the rest. Take a leap of faith. We can either stay on the same comfortable path knowing that there is no promise of results or be brave and venture in another direction we have never taken.

I’m happy I made the choices I have to bring me where I am today. Now I need to be patient and let it play out. I know good things are coming. I made the decision to jump. Not only in my career but in my personal matters. I AM A JUMPER. Are you?

All We Need is Just a Little Patience

As I sit at my desk tonight trying to decide what to write about I can only think of one thing.

Patience.

It’s something I personally have been working on.
I am extremely impatient and want immediate results in everything I do. I want a six pack after a day of ab workouts and million dollars after one lottery ticket.
I just cannot except that things in life take time.
Are you this way? Have you taken steps to change that?

Well I have started to and it’s incredibly freeing. It is gratifying to my soul to know that I can’t control everything and that being patient will pay off in the end.

So I will continue to be this way in hopes that it makes my situations in life easier. I also am trying to do my best when it comes to over analyzing. That too will definitely ruin a good day.

Part of the reason I am the way I am is because it has been bred into my personality. Many members of my family have the same problem.
I’m sure you can all imagine what’s it’s like to be in that room!

But long story short, I’m slowly finding that the key to a peaceful life is patience. By demonstrating it little by little you will feel less overwhelmed.

It seems to be working for me so far. I haven’t even needed a glass of wine in days! 🙂

I Opened The Bible Today

I opened my Bible today

Which is something I have never done before

Though I am ashamed to say

I read His words for the first time today

I sat alone at my table lost in my merciless thoughts

Only to find comfort in the scripture that had never been taught

I am elated to say

That I opened the Bible today

I didn’t understand when I began but  I read it anyway

It brought a tear to my eye and gave wings to my heart

I opened that Bible today

Though covered in dust and the pages never worn

It provided me with a sense of comfort in a heart that is torn

I opened the Bible today, to find what it had to say, and find hope within the Word

I only hope He shows mercy on my soul and my desperate prayers are heard.